martedì 15 maggio 2018

Welcome back ! :) 

TRIGGER WARNING: above all, I will talk about eating disorders! If there's even the tiny chance that this post will remind you of yours, please SKIP it!
I beg you not to let my experience affect your relationship with food.  

Somewhere in Italy, 05.16.18, 1.10 am 

Yeah, today's pretty soon to start writing but I realized how hard it is to translate It to En or En to It, so here I am. 
Plus, today my mind's full of thoughts since this early evening.
Long story short, I was cleaning the table in the kitchen, when I sort of thought that - wow, something is really messed up with me. I mean, I even have a top five for all the things that really shouldn't be like this in my life. To start with something:
  1. Me 
  2. My sleep schedule
  3. My eating habits
  4. The way I socialize
  5. me me me 
OK, number one is pretty easy, we all know (and by all I mean me and the people around here - because on this blog ... who am I kidding? lol) that I'm some kind of mistake in this world, I never should've been in here in the first place. 

BUT  let's talk about number two.
My weirdo sleep schedule is cRazY. I don't sleep at night at all but I fall asleep at 8.30 in the morning, or 9 or even 10 and then I wake up at 7 pm - or sooner if it's bad luck. 
This ↑ if I'm lucky enough to not be waken by my sister entering and going out of our room, making loud noises, putting her favorite kpop music at the max. volume - OR my dogs barking/answering at other dogs in the neighbourhood. 
BTW yesterday (if so?? I feel weird labeling time) I've slept enough for me to not feel any muscle pain (something that it really hurts when it happens - and it does when I sleep poor or less than I need) but there are days when I only sleep four hours in the morning/afternoon and then in the night it. just. doesn't. come. I just don't sleep. 
I mean ... why are you doing thisto me, brain? 
I've never been out of country so I don't know any different timezones, there's no way I've really mistaken the night for the day and the day for the night.
On the other hand, this year I will celebrate my third anniversary of being insomniac!! Isn't that just wonderful? I can remember like it was just yeasterday, winter 2015, when for the first time I didn't slept at night. Oh, I was traumatized, I remember keeping asking myself what heck was wrong with me. lol nothing really has changed 

(Wow, time really flies when you procrastinate on youtube while doing pipi - for it was 2.15 when I left and now it's already 2.45 am) 

Yeah, anyway, my eating habits aren't any good, too. 
Because of my toxic sleep schedule, I end up eating only two meals per day: snack and dinner. Oh and my midnight latte [best featured by a brownie or a piece of a ring shaped cake (here in Italy we call them 'ciambelle' that it's literally translated in donuts - the thing is: i'm not talking about donuts lol) that sometimes I cook since I really like cooking and my family seems to enjoy my food uwu]. 
And I know that our metabolism have literally opening and closening hours, so when you "get out of bed" you wake your metabolism up, but I don't usually get our of bed and even if I do there are 80% chances that I haven't slept which means that I didn't really rest my body/organism/metabolism. 
Still, my metabolism is realllllly slow. And it's because of me.

STORY TIME

In 2013, when I was around 14, I was in a bad place and I remember not eating at all - if not a meal per day (that for sure wasn't lunch because I've always hated it). 
I remember hating every form of sugar, carbohydrates or salt foods. 
When I recovered and I start eating pasta, choco or chips, even a normal sandwich again, I gained a loooot of weight but it wasn't a problem because I was finally enjoying food again. 
Then, in 2016 I started having  hunger attacks completely sudden.
Whenever I felt nervous, anxious or bottling feeling up I would start eating like there was no tomorrow. This was the real nightmare, because when I wasn't eating I was doing exactly what I wanted; I didn't feel like eating so I wasn't.
But during an hunger attack you eat when you don't want to. You eat what you hate, you eat what you shouldn't because maybe you're intolerant. And you don't stop, don't stop, don't stop. Not until you finally come back to reality (because basically during an hunger attack you black out for a while, you don't understand anything - or at least I used to). You realize what you're doing and you don't just stop, you literally get scared of your own hands, feel sick, like puking, and you hate yourself more than usual.
Hunger attacks caused the excessive gym I exercised at home right after I ate, that my doctor like to call 'Bulimia Nervosa', whatever. 
This, however, stopped since I tried to eat properly for like the fifth time in the last year, but if I ever skip a meal when I'm awake for too long then you can count on the fact that I will have an hunger attack from nowhere at any moment. 
ANDDDD now I'm in a bad relationship with food again, I don't know how to feel about it. I just hope to 'recover' as soon as I can. For the moment I sleep instead of eating and that cause me problems with digestion, losing-gaining weight, stomach swelling everytime I eat and others.

Well now I'm tired of eating talking. Let's discuss point three. 
Socializing. 
I don't. 
When you first meet me* you can easily think that I'm approachable (I don't know?? I mean that I can look friendly) but then if you're so unlucky to spend some days with me, even for a bit of time, you realize how asocial I am. 
Even if I'm interested in you I can look really distant from you, like you're talking with someone that's just not here with you - but I want to specify that I don't do that on purpose; Most of the times I'm out of feelings, like I'm numb, so I can easily get tired and when I'm tired I look miles away from where I stand. 
Once we met, talked and 'know' each other, I can call you my friend, you can call me your friends, but see - I'm a very bad friend.  
Because of my sweet lovely depression I tend to isolate myself 3/4 of my awake time and I'm hard to hangout with. 
I don't have habits like smoke or drinking alcohol (even if I enjoy (1) superalcoholic: vodka) so you can't really try to get me out of the house with "there's a party tonight would you like to come? there'll be alcohol!" or "someone bought some pot, do you want to come and get high?" 
no lol bye 
Even tho I don't really get close with people like that because they think I'm a loser for not smoking idk - idc
So yeah they can say that I play hard to get ??? but maybe it's for their own goodness for I feel like every friend I make it's automatically a new name on the list of people I will or I did disappoint/ed.
Because I don't usually go out I don't usually make friends and that's really ok for me - I feel comfortable enough with the ones I have - the ones I love with all my heart even when I constantly disappoint them. 

*this to clear that you can hardly meet me since I don't even walk my dogs out, my Mami and sister do that. I don't do groceries, I don't take the trash out, I'm useless, I'm a burden 

Well, the fourth point is just the first, but twice worse. 
I remember wanting to write about other things but now I feel too much tired - I think I'll watch the fifth sequel of the movie I was watching yesterday night. 

Message to whoever read this, and yes I'm talking with you Google support assistant that has to check this post doesn't spoil any Government secret, I hope this post didn't bother you too much to hate me now. If so, I understand completely. 
See ya soon cupcake <3 

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