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TRIGGER WARNING: above all, I will talk about eating disorders! If there's even the tiny chance that this post will remind you of yours, please SKIP it!
I beg you not to let my experience affect your relationship with food.  

Somewhere in Italy, 05.16.18, 1.10 am 

Yeah, today's pretty soon to start writing but I realized how hard it is to translate It to En or En to It, so here I am. 

Plus, today my mind's full of thoughts since this early evening.
Long story short, I was cleaning the table in the kitchen, when I sort of thought that - wow, something is really messed up with me. I mean, I even have a top five for all the things that really shouldn't be like this in my life. To start with something:

1. Me 
2. My sleep schedule
3. My eating habits
4. The way I socialize
5. me me me 

OK, number one is pretty easy, we all know (and by all I mean me and the people around here - because on this blog ... who am I kidding? lol) that I'm some kind of mistake in this world, I never should've been in here in the first place. 

BUT  let's talk about number two.
My weirdo sleep schedule is cRazY. I don't sleep at night at all but I fall asleep at 8.30 in the morning, or 9 or even 10 and then I wake up at 7 pm - or sooner if it's bad luck. 

This ↑ if I'm lucky enough to not be waken by my sister entering and going out of our room, making loud noises, putting her favorite kpop music at the max. volume - OR my dogs barking/answering at other dogs in the neighbourhood. 

BTW yesterday (if so?? I feel weird labeling time) I've slept enough for me to not feel any muscle pain (something that it really hurts when it happens - and it does when I sleep poor or less than I need) but there are days when I only sleep four hours in the morning/afternoon and then in the night it. just. doesn't. come. I just don't sleep. 

I mean ... why are you doing thisto me, brain? 

I've never been out of country so I don't know any different timezones, there's no way I've really mistaken the night for the day and the day for the night.
On the other hand, this year I will celebrate my third anniversary of being insomniac!! Isn't that just wonderful? I can remember like it was just yeasterday, winter 2015, when for the first time I didn't slept at night. Oh, I was traumatized, I remember keeping asking myself what heck was wrong with me. lol nothing really has changed 

(Wow, time really flies when you procrastinate on youtube while doing pipi - for it was 2.15 when I left and now it's already 2.45 am) 

Yeah, anyway, my eating habits aren't any good, too. 

Because of my toxic sleep schedule, I end up eating only two meals per day: snack and dinner. Oh and my midnight latte [best featured by a brownie or a piece of a ring shaped cake (here in Italy we call them 'ciambelle' that it's literally translated in donuts - the thing is: i'm not talking about donuts lol) that sometimes I cook since I really like cooking and my family seems to enjoy my food uwu]. 

And I know that our metabolism have literally opening and closening hours, so when you "get out of bed" you wake your metabolism up, but I don't usually get our of bed and even if I do there are 80% chances that I haven't slept which means that I didn't really rest my body/organism/metabolism. 

Still, my metabolism is realllllly slow. And it's because of me.

STORY TIME

In 2013, when I was around 14, I was in a bad place and I remember not eating at all - if not a meal per day (that for sure wasn't lunch because I've always hated it). 

I remember hating every form of sugar, carbohydrates or salt foods. 

When I recovered and I start eating pasta, choco or chips, even a normal sandwich again, I gained a loooot of weight but it wasn't a problem because I was finally enjoying food again. 

Then, in 2016 I started having  hunger attacks completely sudden.
Whenever I felt nervous, anxious or bottling feeling up I would start eating like there was no tomorrow. This was the real nightmare, because when I wasn't eating I was doing exactly what I wanted; I didn't feel like eating so I wasn't.
But during an hunger attack you eat when you don't want to. You eat what you hate, you eat what you shouldn't because maybe you're intolerant. And you don't stop, don't stop, don't stop. Not until you finally come back to reality (because basically during an hunger attack you black out for a while, you don't understand anything - or at least I used to). You realize what you're doing and you don't just stop, you literally get scared of your own hands, feel sick, like puking, and you hate yourself more than usual.

Hunger attacks caused the excessive gym I exercised at home right after I ate, that my doctor like to call 'Bulimia Nervosa', whatever. 

This, however, stopped since I tried to eat properly for like the fifth time in the last year, but if I ever skip a meal when I'm awake for too long then you can count on the fact that I will have an hunger attack from nowhere at any moment. 

ANDDDD now I'm in a bad relationship with food again, I don't know how to feel about it. I just hope to 'recover' as soon as I can. For the moment I sleep instead of eating and that cause me problems with digestion, losing-gaining weight, stomach swelling everytime I eat and others.

Well now I'm tired of eating talking. Let's discuss point three. 

Socializing. 

I don't. 

When you first meet me* you can easily think that I'm approachable (I don't know?? I mean that I can look friendly) but then if you're so unlucky to spend some days with me, even for a bit of time, you realize how asocial I am. 

Even if I'm interested in you I can look really distant from you, like you're talking with someone that's just not here with you - but I want to specify that I don't do that on purpose; Most of the times I'm out of feelings, like I'm numb, so I can easily get tired and when I'm tired I look miles away from where I stand. 

Once we met, talked and 'know' each other, I can call you my friend, you can call me your friends, but see - I'm a very bad friend.  

Because of my sweet lovely depression I tend to isolate myself 3/4 of my awake time and I'm hard to hangout with. 

I don't have habits like smoke or drinking alcohol (even if I enjoy (1) superalcoholic: vodka) so you can't really try to get me out of the house with "there's a party tonight would you like to come? there'll be alcohol!" or "someone bought some pot, do you want to come and get high?" 

no lol bye 

Even tho I don't really get close with people like that because they think I'm a loser for not smoking idk - idc

So yeah they can say that I play hard to get ??? but maybe it's for their own goodness for I feel like every friend I make it's automatically a new name on the list of people I will or I did disappoint/ed.

Because I don't usually go out I don't usually make friends and that's really ok for me - I feel comfortable enough with the ones I have - the ones I love with all my heart even when I constantly disappoint them. 

*this to clear that you can hardly meet me since I don't even walk my dogs out, my Mami and sister do that. I don't do groceries, I don't take the trash out, I'm useless, I'm a burden 

Well, the fourth point is just the first, but twice worse. 

I remember wanting to write about other things but now I feel too much tired - I think I'll watch the fifth sequel of the movie I was watching yesterday night. 

Message to whoever read this, and yes I'm talking with you Google support assistant that has to check this post doesn't spoil any Government secret, I hope this post didn't bother you too much to hate me now. If so, I understand completely. 

See ya soon cupcake <3 

Welcome to this blog! <3

TRIGGER WARNING: DON'T let the cupcake theme distract you. Above all, I'm gonna talk about anxiety and depression. Please don't let my night-thoughts let you down.  

Somewhere in Italy, 05.15.18, 4.57 am

I can't see further my laptop' screen in my dark kitchen where I am, but I'm sure my two dogs are sound asleep. Every now and then I check out on the youngest of them, Kj - Simil Golden Retriever, 1yo - is not ... er, you know, licking his wee-wee for he - the smartest doggo - licked it so much that he got himself an *sparks fly* infection!! 

Literally can't wait for the moment I will be able to buy the prescritions and the elizabethan collar he needs to be cured. ATM I'm totally broke, failed, in the red, out of cash, busted, poor?? Yea, without work or study licence that's kinda the way I deserved to end.
Mami doesn't have a job either, she has been fired nine months ago. I must tell you, it's pretty hard to go on nine moths without a determinate amount of money that gives you the confidence that you'll be able to get through the month, or even the day with a proper meal on the table.  

Anyways, today I was thinking, just because, in an ordinary night in my thousand sleepless, that I really have no future. I really really don't. I know: wow! Bu-hu, another teenager who feels like she have no future!!! Just so you know, kArEN, there are billions of young adults who feels like their own life is falling apart - and I completely know this, but since we're here, let's talk about it.

I'm eighteen, this year nineteen, and I live in a city that gives me no good chances of work (not even bad chances!), (I gotta admit that) I'm quite afraid of moving elsewhere. And I'm not even good at anything.
Zero talents. I left high school while I was struggling with sever anxiety and panic, following a sweet, deadly depression - nothing to worry about, uh? - and now I'm home, enjoying myself.
I must say,  I'm not whining in the respect of staying home for I gain serious problems when I'm out there. I'm exhausted most of the time in my day and socializing stuff gets me depressed (more than usual).
BTW, for the next school year I'm gonna start what we call 'Late-School' which are scholastic years for people who didn't had the chance to start or finish High School. Instead of five years you do three years and then you can go to the UNI and graduate. The thing is you don't attend the classes in the morning, but in the late afternoon. Anyways, this is in the next school year, but what now? Besides feeling a complete failure, what do I do? 
I was also thinking, while I was watching a movie, that lately I really can't feel anything anymore, emotionally. Mostly I'm feeling sad and tired all the time, physically and mentally. 

I know that this period of famine in the house will eventually end, but I know that I'll keep feeling like that for - who knows how much more time? This to say that, no kArEn, I don't really think my conditions are due to the domestic climate. 

I know the solution to all my psychological issues but talking from the first time I can say that prescriptions scares the hell out of me. 

It was the opposite of a nice and beautiful experience - I've never felt so far from any form of healing. Plus, I don't trust my suicidal instincts. I know that the first time is almost never the right one, that you have to try a lot of different drugs before finding the right one, the one who works, but I'm not ready to get through this special cicle in Hell. My legs begin to tremble at the thought, with that strange, familiar feeling of nausea that tightens my stomach.

Speaking of something else, I was also thinking about how much I like to write. How many, *how many* stories I started and never finished, all of them saved on my laptop, all of them under some name like 'IDK BUT I LIKE IT' cause I get so hype when I start some new tale, a new story, new characters, new places and thoughts... 

And here I rush myself correcting me for you can count on the tips of the fingers of one only hand how many times I started a story with a real beginning. Usually when I think of a new story I often start with the unrolling, the progress of the whole tale, or even I catapult directly to the end, and while I write I thik: 'Ah, who cares about the beginning? It will then come itself, the important thing now is that you're writing! After the whole, long writing-block period you had now you're writing!'

Stupid, uh?

Yea, I agree. 

However, if it wasn't unclear how less (zero) talent I have, when I start a new story with a real beginning then I automatically can't think about a good end, or I miss the whole progress (and maybe this time I had already thought about an end, lmao shoot me).

At the end of the day (let's say so,cuz if I start on my opinion with time - 'The continuous, indefinite process of existence and events that happen in an apparently irreversible succession through the past, present and future' thanks wikipedia for sharing with me) I thought it would have been a cool pastime to write a blog, where you never know who reads me - or if someone will ever reads me.
My aim is to feel a little less alone when the night comes and I'm alone with me and my thoughts. 

So I started it with no high hopes but genuinely. 

Woah! By writing and thinking about what I wanna write (and check my dog so he can't lick himself) it started dawining! 

And at this point I will express one last thought: f*ck I hope to sleep!

Just kidding, I really hope that if someone had read this had a good nice reading - and now I really go, byeee <3