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Somewhere in Italy, 05.19.18, 2:25 am 

I ... screwed it.

The other day, on Thursday, I was supposed to be at my friend's award event about her win, but I fell aspleep too late in the morning and in the evening I woke up too late for the event. 

So I missed it. 

I felt so guilty, I felt like I ruined another friendship. 

I wrote to her in pain, told her I was totally sorry, I really wanted to be there for her, applauding when they call her name, but she didn't answer at all for the whole day. I wrote to her last night, this morning at 5.35 and at 10.

Oh, I thought she was mad at me, like the kind of "i'll never forgive you" mad. 

I was sad the all time, couldn't get myself over the fact that I just disappointed someone that I care about -  and then she texted me back, she made a vocal actually. 

She told me, relieving me, that she wasn't mad at me at all, she thought it wasn't my fault, that she know I have problems with travelling in the city (I don't have a car nor someone could've give me a ride and the place where the event was is really far from my house - plus it was so late that every bus would've take me here after everything already ended).
Gosh, I was flying. 

I really care about her, I don't wanna disappoint her (even tho i'm pretty sure I already did in the past and it was awful - the worst feeling on earth). 

Tomorrow we'll see each other because in my city there's a museum open night free enter! I think that's not only super amazing but also unusual by my city where everything is normally bigot lol (doing an open night at the museum is pretty artistic and modern maybe???)  

By the way, today's night thoughts aren't really here. 

Lately I've been sleeping weird and I can't wait for this episode to stop. It's really ruining my days. 

And this make me notice. 

My relationship with my sister is sinking every day more. 

She's disrespectful and dramatic and I'm annoying and too much moral for her, so everyday is a smooth fight where she's childish for her age (20 this year!!) and I'm snapping. 

But I'm afraid we'll get into a real fight, because everytime this happen she make me say things that I really like to keep for myself. 

Like when I'm feeling particularly depressed I really like to be sad alone, getting through by myself, but during our fights she make me split the whole. 

On the contrary, during a fight she's overdramatic about her life, her being. But I must say, not only during a fight. 

She today came into the kitchen with this dark expression on her face and after she heard the songs of the new bts's album she said with a gloomy voice that she cried when she saw the new video of them. And I was like - so what

And she was like - it's uNuSUal fOr me tO reacT LiKE tHat, isn't it? 

And I was like - no, if you like them and you care about them, you create a strong connection that allows you to cry without thinking its unusual 

But she was like - NO, I cried and it's unusual, so now I'm feeling sad like hell, you don't understand a thing about sadness so get out of my way. 

And that's it. 

After spending nineteen years of my life trying to get her and making feel her free to speak to me (or our mother) if she's feeling weird, sad or just like different, I give up. I mean, I'm tired to feel like shit everytiime she look at me grumpy, like I did something that will make her life worse.

She always blamed me to be the cause of every disgrace in her life. And now stop. She's a Cancer and a '98s class and (sorry for whomever I'm speaking for) you gotta admit that they're lunatic as hell. They change their moods as they change their socks, panties, underwear, lockscreen if you want. The point is: damn Jackie.

Oh and I'm not talking only for my sister. I've tried to know some '98s class but they're just... complicated. But that's no reason to shame them. Even if she's complicated, lunatic, bit of a bitch and even toxic sometimes, I still love my sister, it couldn't be different. It's not my life if there's not her. 

Plus, my best best best friend (it's nine years since we know each other and I still can't believe someone endured me for so long!) is a '98s and there are no words to explain how much I love her. 

But there are times when I'm really wrong in the whole situation with my sister. For example. 

A few hours ago I was with my phone on this cute girl profile because she make templates (@shethespy check her insta it's extra cute), and I was here for saving some of them when I got myself into a PLL's one and I was like "well this was unexpected" and maybe a "gross" got slip from my lips. 

My sister went on fire. 

"Gross on what" she asked.

"Oh, nothing, a template about PLL" I answered full of shame. I don't usually dislike PLL so much, the "gross" was totally unnecesarry. 

In fact, my sister burned me. 

"WOW, this was unnecessary"

Now, the right thing to do was to admit the fact that I overreacted over a template but I went on and said: "I don't like PLL, I think I'm allowed to say gross when I see something about it" - and I didn't really meant that because when I don't like something I just lose interest in it and it eventually become nothing to me, like zero importance. Plus, there was someone in the house who liked it and for respect I souldn't have said that. 

Anyway, she gets upset with me and start snort at me, like "Ugh she's umbearable" 

So apparently I was in such a childish mood today because I started saying "gross" over a few other stories on instagram, and every time I did it I was asking her. "Sara, do you think I'm allowed to say gross over this?" and I would show her the story I was seeing. Oh, she just hated me, she was super pissed.

At first I just wanted to share a laugh but then she went to bed and I felt really really bad about it, like - man, I'm a really bad person. 

So here becomes the train of suicidal thoughts about me don't wanting to exist, why am I on earth in the first place? I shouldn't never have been born and blah blah, I'm such a drama queen haha i wanna seriously die you have no clue how much I disgreace myself

Well this is it for today. Now, at 4.20 am on the clock I maybe will go to bed (omg maybe my sleep schedule is going back to normal once in a while? low hopes about it but you know), see ya soon <3

Welcome back ! :) 

TRIGGER WARNING: above all, I will talk about eating disorders! If there's even the tiny chance that this post will remind you of yours, please SKIP it!
I beg you not to let my experience affect your relationship with food.  

Somewhere in Italy, 05.16.18, 1.10 am 

Yeah, today's pretty soon to start writing but I realized how hard it is to translate It to En or En to It, so here I am. 

Plus, today my mind's full of thoughts since this early evening.
Long story short, I was cleaning the table in the kitchen, when I sort of thought that - wow, something is really messed up with me. I mean, I even have a top five for all the things that really shouldn't be like this in my life. To start with something:

1. Me 
2. My sleep schedule
3. My eating habits
4. The way I socialize
5. me me me 

OK, number one is pretty easy, we all know (and by all I mean me and the people around here - because on this blog ... who am I kidding? lol) that I'm some kind of mistake in this world, I never should've been in here in the first place. 

BUT  let's talk about number two.
My weirdo sleep schedule is cRazY. I don't sleep at night at all but I fall asleep at 8.30 in the morning, or 9 or even 10 and then I wake up at 7 pm - or sooner if it's bad luck. 

This ↑ if I'm lucky enough to not be waken by my sister entering and going out of our room, making loud noises, putting her favorite kpop music at the max. volume - OR my dogs barking/answering at other dogs in the neighbourhood. 

BTW yesterday (if so?? I feel weird labeling time) I've slept enough for me to not feel any muscle pain (something that it really hurts when it happens - and it does when I sleep poor or less than I need) but there are days when I only sleep four hours in the morning/afternoon and then in the night it. just. doesn't. come. I just don't sleep. 

I mean ... why are you doing thisto me, brain? 

I've never been out of country so I don't know any different timezones, there's no way I've really mistaken the night for the day and the day for the night.
On the other hand, this year I will celebrate my third anniversary of being insomniac!! Isn't that just wonderful? I can remember like it was just yeasterday, winter 2015, when for the first time I didn't slept at night. Oh, I was traumatized, I remember keeping asking myself what heck was wrong with me. lol nothing really has changed 

(Wow, time really flies when you procrastinate on youtube while doing pipi - for it was 2.15 when I left and now it's already 2.45 am) 

Yeah, anyway, my eating habits aren't any good, too. 

Because of my toxic sleep schedule, I end up eating only two meals per day: snack and dinner. Oh and my midnight latte [best featured by a brownie or a piece of a ring shaped cake (here in Italy we call them 'ciambelle' that it's literally translated in donuts - the thing is: i'm not talking about donuts lol) that sometimes I cook since I really like cooking and my family seems to enjoy my food uwu]. 

And I know that our metabolism have literally opening and closening hours, so when you "get out of bed" you wake your metabolism up, but I don't usually get our of bed and even if I do there are 80% chances that I haven't slept which means that I didn't really rest my body/organism/metabolism. 

Still, my metabolism is realllllly slow. And it's because of me.

STORY TIME

In 2013, when I was around 14, I was in a bad place and I remember not eating at all - if not a meal per day (that for sure wasn't lunch because I've always hated it). 

I remember hating every form of sugar, carbohydrates or salt foods. 

When I recovered and I start eating pasta, choco or chips, even a normal sandwich again, I gained a loooot of weight but it wasn't a problem because I was finally enjoying food again. 

Then, in 2016 I started having  hunger attacks completely sudden.
Whenever I felt nervous, anxious or bottling feeling up I would start eating like there was no tomorrow. This was the real nightmare, because when I wasn't eating I was doing exactly what I wanted; I didn't feel like eating so I wasn't.
But during an hunger attack you eat when you don't want to. You eat what you hate, you eat what you shouldn't because maybe you're intolerant. And you don't stop, don't stop, don't stop. Not until you finally come back to reality (because basically during an hunger attack you black out for a while, you don't understand anything - or at least I used to). You realize what you're doing and you don't just stop, you literally get scared of your own hands, feel sick, like puking, and you hate yourself more than usual.

Hunger attacks caused the excessive gym I exercised at home right after I ate, that my doctor like to call 'Bulimia Nervosa', whatever. 

This, however, stopped since I tried to eat properly for like the fifth time in the last year, but if I ever skip a meal when I'm awake for too long then you can count on the fact that I will have an hunger attack from nowhere at any moment. 

ANDDDD now I'm in a bad relationship with food again, I don't know how to feel about it. I just hope to 'recover' as soon as I can. For the moment I sleep instead of eating and that cause me problems with digestion, losing-gaining weight, stomach swelling everytime I eat and others.

Well now I'm tired of eating talking. Let's discuss point three. 

Socializing. 

I don't. 

When you first meet me* you can easily think that I'm approachable (I don't know?? I mean that I can look friendly) but then if you're so unlucky to spend some days with me, even for a bit of time, you realize how asocial I am. 

Even if I'm interested in you I can look really distant from you, like you're talking with someone that's just not here with you - but I want to specify that I don't do that on purpose; Most of the times I'm out of feelings, like I'm numb, so I can easily get tired and when I'm tired I look miles away from where I stand. 

Once we met, talked and 'know' each other, I can call you my friend, you can call me your friends, but see - I'm a very bad friend.  

Because of my sweet lovely depression I tend to isolate myself 3/4 of my awake time and I'm hard to hangout with. 

I don't have habits like smoke or drinking alcohol (even if I enjoy (1) superalcoholic: vodka) so you can't really try to get me out of the house with "there's a party tonight would you like to come? there'll be alcohol!" or "someone bought some pot, do you want to come and get high?" 

no lol bye 

Even tho I don't really get close with people like that because they think I'm a loser for not smoking idk - idc

So yeah they can say that I play hard to get ??? but maybe it's for their own goodness for I feel like every friend I make it's automatically a new name on the list of people I will or I did disappoint/ed.

Because I don't usually go out I don't usually make friends and that's really ok for me - I feel comfortable enough with the ones I have - the ones I love with all my heart even when I constantly disappoint them. 

*this to clear that you can hardly meet me since I don't even walk my dogs out, my Mami and sister do that. I don't do groceries, I don't take the trash out, I'm useless, I'm a burden 

Well, the fourth point is just the first, but twice worse. 

I remember wanting to write about other things but now I feel too much tired - I think I'll watch the fifth sequel of the movie I was watching yesterday night. 

Message to whoever read this, and yes I'm talking with you Google support assistant that has to check this post doesn't spoil any Government secret, I hope this post didn't bother you too much to hate me now. If so, I understand completely. 

See ya soon cupcake <3 

Welcome to this blog! <3

TRIGGER WARNING: DON'T let the cupcake theme distract you. Above all, I'm gonna talk about anxiety and depression. Please don't let my night-thoughts let you down.  

Somewhere in Italy, 05.15.18, 4.57 am

I can't see further my laptop' screen in my dark kitchen where I am, but I'm sure my two dogs are sound asleep. Every now and then I check out on the youngest of them, Kj - Simil Golden Retriever, 1yo - is not ... er, you know, licking his wee-wee for he - the smartest doggo - licked it so much that he got himself an *sparks fly* infection!! 

Literally can't wait for the moment I will be able to buy the prescritions and the elizabethan collar he needs to be cured. ATM I'm totally broke, failed, in the red, out of cash, busted, poor?? Yea, without work or study licence that's kinda the way I deserved to end.
Mami doesn't have a job either, she has been fired nine months ago. I must tell you, it's pretty hard to go on nine moths without a determinate amount of money that gives you the confidence that you'll be able to get through the month, or even the day with a proper meal on the table.  

Anyways, today I was thinking, just because, in an ordinary night in my thousand sleepless, that I really have no future. I really really don't. I know: wow! Bu-hu, another teenager who feels like she have no future!!! Just so you know, kArEN, there are billions of young adults who feels like their own life is falling apart - and I completely know this, but since we're here, let's talk about it.

I'm eighteen, this year nineteen, and I live in a city that gives me no good chances of work (not even bad chances!), (I gotta admit that) I'm quite afraid of moving elsewhere. And I'm not even good at anything.
Zero talents. I left high school while I was struggling with sever anxiety and panic, following a sweet, deadly depression - nothing to worry about, uh? - and now I'm home, enjoying myself.
I must say,  I'm not whining in the respect of staying home for I gain serious problems when I'm out there. I'm exhausted most of the time in my day and socializing stuff gets me depressed (more than usual).
BTW, for the next school year I'm gonna start what we call 'Late-School' which are scholastic years for people who didn't had the chance to start or finish High School. Instead of five years you do three years and then you can go to the UNI and graduate. The thing is you don't attend the classes in the morning, but in the late afternoon. Anyways, this is in the next school year, but what now? Besides feeling a complete failure, what do I do? 
I was also thinking, while I was watching a movie, that lately I really can't feel anything anymore, emotionally. Mostly I'm feeling sad and tired all the time, physically and mentally. 

I know that this period of famine in the house will eventually end, but I know that I'll keep feeling like that for - who knows how much more time? This to say that, no kArEn, I don't really think my conditions are due to the domestic climate. 

I know the solution to all my psychological issues but talking from the first time I can say that prescriptions scares the hell out of me. 

It was the opposite of a nice and beautiful experience - I've never felt so far from any form of healing. Plus, I don't trust my suicidal instincts. I know that the first time is almost never the right one, that you have to try a lot of different drugs before finding the right one, the one who works, but I'm not ready to get through this special cicle in Hell. My legs begin to tremble at the thought, with that strange, familiar feeling of nausea that tightens my stomach.

Speaking of something else, I was also thinking about how much I like to write. How many, *how many* stories I started and never finished, all of them saved on my laptop, all of them under some name like 'IDK BUT I LIKE IT' cause I get so hype when I start some new tale, a new story, new characters, new places and thoughts... 

And here I rush myself correcting me for you can count on the tips of the fingers of one only hand how many times I started a story with a real beginning. Usually when I think of a new story I often start with the unrolling, the progress of the whole tale, or even I catapult directly to the end, and while I write I thik: 'Ah, who cares about the beginning? It will then come itself, the important thing now is that you're writing! After the whole, long writing-block period you had now you're writing!'

Stupid, uh?

Yea, I agree. 

However, if it wasn't unclear how less (zero) talent I have, when I start a new story with a real beginning then I automatically can't think about a good end, or I miss the whole progress (and maybe this time I had already thought about an end, lmao shoot me).

At the end of the day (let's say so,cuz if I start on my opinion with time - 'The continuous, indefinite process of existence and events that happen in an apparently irreversible succession through the past, present and future' thanks wikipedia for sharing with me) I thought it would have been a cool pastime to write a blog, where you never know who reads me - or if someone will ever reads me.
My aim is to feel a little less alone when the night comes and I'm alone with me and my thoughts. 

So I started it with no high hopes but genuinely. 

Woah! By writing and thinking about what I wanna write (and check my dog so he can't lick himself) it started dawining! 

And at this point I will express one last thought: f*ck I hope to sleep!

Just kidding, I really hope that if someone had read this had a good nice reading - and now I really go, byeee <3 

Benvenuti su questo blog <3

TRIGGER WARNING: NON fatevi imbrogliare dal tema cupcake! Fra tutto, parlerò anche di ansia e depressione. Vi prego di non farvi abbattere dai miei pensieri notturni.                      

Da qualche parte in Italia - 15.05.18, 4.57 am

Non riesco a vedere oltre lo schermo del mio computer nella mia cucina immersa nel buio, ma so che i miei cani stanno dormendo. Ogni tanto controllo che il più piccolo, Kj - Simil Golden Retriever, un anno - non si stia facendo il 'bidet' perché, quel grande intelligente di un doggo, a furia di leccarsi si è procurato una fantastica *stelline* infezione.

Non vedo l'ora di poter comprare il farmaco e il collare Elisabetta per poterlo curare. Al momento sono totalmente a secco, al verde, banca rotta, codice rosso, povera?? Sì insomma, senza lavoro o titolo di studio è un po' questa la fine che ero destinata a fare.Neanche Mami lavora, è stata licenziata nove mesi fa.Devo dire, è piuttosto difficile andare avanti per nove mesi senza una cifra di soldi fissa che ci dà la sicurezza che arriveremo alla fine del mese, o alla fine della giornata con un pasto caldo a tavola.
Comunque oggi stavo pensando, così no, in una notte qualunque nelle mie mille insonni, che davvero io non ho un futuro. E no che non ce l'ho.Wow, bu-hu, sono il primo essere umano adolescente ad avvertire la sensazione che non ci sia un futuro per lei!!! E invece no, ce ne sono almeno quattro milioni in e altri sei milioni sparsi per il mondo che hanno l'impressione che la loro vita stia cadendo a pezzi, ma dato che siamo qui, parliamone.
Ho diciotto anni, quest'anno diciannove, vivo in una città che non mi pone davanti alcuna possibilità, (devo ammettere che) sono un pochino spaventata all'idea di trasferirmi altrove, e non sono nemmeno brava in nulla. Zero talenti.Ho lasciato scuola mentre combattevo con problemi severi di ansia e panico, sfociati poi in una dolce, micidiale depressione - nulla di cui realmente preoccuparsi uh? - e adesso sono a casa che me la godo.Devo dire che, sotto l'aspetto di rimanere a casa, me la godo veramente in quanto uscire mi mette una seria difficoltà, sono esausta la maggior parte del mio tempo e socializzare mi demoralizza internamente.In ogni caso, per il prossimo anno scolastico ho intenzione di prendere scuola serale, ma al momento? Oltre a sentirmi un eterno fallimento, cosa faccio?Stavo anche pensando, mentre guardavo un film, che non riesco proprio più a sentire nulla emotivamente.Sono perlopiù stanca fisicamente e mentalmente. So che questo periodo di carestia in casa eventualmente passerà, ma io continuerò a sentirmi tale per chissà quanto altro tempo (questo per dire che, nah, io non credo che le mie condizioni siano dovute al clima domestico). La soluzione ai miei problemucci psicologici c'è, ma dopo la prima volta ho troppa paura di andare di nuovo sotto medicazioni.
È stato tutto l'opposto di una bella e tranquilla esperienza, non mi sono sentita tanto lontana dalla guarigione, e inoltre non mi fido dei miei istinti suicidi. So che la prima volta non è mai quella giusta, se ne cambiano tantissimi e simili, ma io non sono pronta per attraversare di nuovo quella particolare via dell'Inferno. Le mie gambe cominciano a tremare al solo pensiero, con quello strano, familiare senso di nausea che mi stringe lo stomaco. 

Parlando d'altro, stavo anche pensando a quanto mi piace scrivere. A quante, *quante* storie ho iniziato e mai finito, tutte salvate sul mio computer, tutte rinominate con qualcosa come 'non so, ma mi piace' (per dirla tutta, sono salvate nella versione inglese: IDK BUT I LIKE IT). Sì insomma, mi realizzo tutta quando inizio una storia.

E qui subito mi correggo, perché si possono contare sul dito di una mano quante volte ho iniziato una storia con un vero inizio. Solitamente, quando penso a un nuovo racconto, inizio spesso dallo svolgimento, o mi catapulto direttamente sulla fine, e mentre scrivo riesco solo a pensare: 'Ah, chi se ne frega dell'inizio? Quello poi arriverà da sé, l'importante è che ora, dopo tutti quei periodi di Blocco dello scrittore, stai scrivendo'. Stupida, eh?
Già, concordo. 
Comunque, se non si fosse capito quanto poco (zero) talento io abbia, quando inizio una storia con un vero e proprio inizio poi mi manca la fine, o l'intero svolgimento (e magari, in questo caso, ho già pensato a una fine, lmao shoot me).


Alla fine del giorno (diciamo così va, che se iniziassi ad esporre la mia idea sul tempo - 'Il continuo, indefinito processo dell'esistenza ed eventi che accadono in un'apparentemente irreversibile successione tramite il passato, presente e futuro,' grazie @wikipedia per condividere le mie idee, cucc), ho pensato che sarebbe stato un passatempo cool scrivere un blog, dove non si sa mai chi mi legge, o se qualcuno mi leggerà mai. Il mio scopo è quello di sentirmi un po' meno sola quando arriva la notte e resto sola con me (lol Arisa stai infestando questo blog???)
E così niente, l'ho iniziato.

A furia di scrivere e pensare a cosa voglio scrivere e controllare il mio cagnolone dal non leccarsi si sono fatte le sei del mattino!!! E a questo punto esprimerò un ultimo pensiero: minchia spero di dormire!

Bugia, spero che abbiate avuto una tranquilla lettura, nel caso qualcuno mi avesse letto uwu 

A presto!