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Somewhere in Italy, 05.19.18, 2:25 am
I ... screwed it.
The other day, on Thursday, I was supposed to be at my friend's award event about her win, but I fell aspleep too late in the morning and in the evening I woke up too late for the event.
So I missed it.
I felt so guilty, I felt like I ruined another friendship.
I wrote to her in pain, told her I was totally sorry, I really wanted to be there for her, applauding when they call her name, but she didn't answer at all for the whole day. I wrote to her last night, this morning at 5.35 and at 10.
Oh, I thought she was mad at me, like the kind of "i'll never forgive you" mad.
I was sad the all time, couldn't get myself over the fact that I just disappointed someone that I care about - and then she texted me back, she made a vocal actually.
She told me, relieving me, that she wasn't mad at me at all, she thought it wasn't my fault, that she know I have problems with travelling in the city (I don't have a car nor someone could've give me a ride and the place where the event was is really far from my house - plus it was so late that every bus would've take me here after everything already ended).
Gosh, I was flying.
Gosh, I was flying.
I really care about her, I don't wanna disappoint her (even tho i'm pretty sure I already did in the past and it was awful - the worst feeling on earth).
Tomorrow we'll see each other because in my city there's a museum open night free enter! I think that's not only super amazing but also unusual by my city where everything is normally bigot lol (doing an open night at the museum is pretty artistic and modern maybe???)
By the way, today's night thoughts aren't really here.
Lately I've been sleeping weird and I can't wait for this episode to stop. It's really ruining my days.
And this make me notice.
My relationship with my sister is sinking every day more.
She's disrespectful and dramatic and I'm annoying and too much moral for her, so everyday is a smooth fight where she's childish for her age (20 this year!!) and I'm snapping.
But I'm afraid we'll get into a real fight, because everytime this happen she make me say things that I really like to keep for myself.
Like when I'm feeling particularly depressed I really like to be sad alone, getting through by myself, but during our fights she make me split the whole.
On the contrary, during a fight she's overdramatic about her life, her being. But I must say, not only during a fight.
She today came into the kitchen with this dark expression on her face and after she heard the songs of the new bts's album she said with a gloomy voice that she cried when she saw the new video of them. And I was like - so what
And she was like - it's uNuSUal fOr me tO reacT LiKE tHat, isn't it?
And I was like - no, if you like them and you care about them, you create a strong connection that allows you to cry without thinking its unusual
But she was like - NO, I cried and it's unusual, so now I'm feeling sad like hell, you don't understand a thing about sadness so get out of my way.
And that's it.
After spending nineteen years of my life trying to get her and making feel her free to speak to me (or our mother) if she's feeling weird, sad or just like different, I give up. I mean, I'm tired to feel like shit everytiime she look at me grumpy, like I did something that will make her life worse.
She always blamed me to be the cause of every disgrace in her life. And now stop. She's a Cancer and a '98s class and (sorry for whomever I'm speaking for) you gotta admit that they're lunatic as hell. They change their moods as they change their socks, panties, underwear, lockscreen if you want. The point is: damn Jackie.
Oh and I'm not talking only for my sister. I've tried to know some '98s class but they're just... complicated. But that's no reason to shame them. Even if she's complicated, lunatic, bit of a bitch and even toxic sometimes, I still love my sister, it couldn't be different. It's not my life if there's not her.
Plus, my best best best friend (it's nine years since we know each other and I still can't believe someone endured me for so long!) is a '98s and there are no words to explain how much I love her.
But there are times when I'm really wrong in the whole situation with my sister. For example.
A few hours ago I was with my phone on this cute girl profile because she make templates (@shethespy check her insta it's extra cute), and I was here for saving some of them when I got myself into a PLL's one and I was like "well this was unexpected" and maybe a "gross" got slip from my lips.
My sister went on fire.
"Gross on what" she asked.
"Oh, nothing, a template about PLL" I answered full of shame. I don't usually dislike PLL so much, the "gross" was totally unnecesarry.
In fact, my sister burned me.
"WOW, this was unnecessary"
Now, the right thing to do was to admit the fact that I overreacted over a template but I went on and said: "I don't like PLL, I think I'm allowed to say gross when I see something about it" - and I didn't really meant that because when I don't like something I just lose interest in it and it eventually become nothing to me, like zero importance. Plus, there was someone in the house who liked it and for respect I souldn't have said that.
Anyway, she gets upset with me and start snort at me, like "Ugh she's umbearable"
So apparently I was in such a childish mood today because I started saying "gross" over a few other stories on instagram, and every time I did it I was asking her. "Sara, do you think I'm allowed to say gross over this?" and I would show her the story I was seeing. Oh, she just hated me, she was super pissed.
At first I just wanted to share a laugh but then she went to bed and I felt really really bad about it, like - man, I'm a really bad person.
So here becomes the train of suicidal thoughts about me don't wanting to exist, why am I on earth in the first place? I shouldn't never have been born and blah blah, I'm such a drama queen haha i wanna seriously die you have no clue how much I disgreace myself
Well this is it for today. Now, at 4.20 am on the clock I maybe will go to bed (omg maybe my sleep schedule is going back to normal once in a while? low hopes about it but you know), see ya soon <3